Grieving for Pets
I buried Emma yesterday. I only have half an acre here at my house and the yard is fenced for the dogs. I didn't want to bury her here because I was afraid the other dogs might disturb her, so I asked my friends with a farm if I could bring her there to be buried. I took her to a pretty place under some trees near a little creek and left flowers in her grave and on top of it. It was still hard saying goodbye.
I know we all have to say goodbye to our pets and it's never easy. I made sure that I let people know about Emma's passing and I was very touched by all of the notes and messages of comfort I received. I probably had over 50 notes from people, most of whom I only know online, offering support. It's a good idea to reach out to other pet owners when you're grieving. They are the people who are most able to understand your feelings. Unfortunately, sometimes your family and friends without pets don't really understand your grief over losing a pet and that can make you feel isolated and angry. Talk to other pet owners who know what you're going through and it will help, even if they didn't know your pet.
You can do things to memorialize your pet. I know that helps many people feel better and cope with their loss. People who have their pet cremated can choose a lovely urn or memory box for their pet and they will always have their cat or dog with them. If you bury your pet you can make a memorial for him or her. Flowers, stones, or any kind of remembrance at the site can honor your pet. Many of us may choose to have a special photograph framed and placed in a prominent place in our home so we can continue to see our friend every day.
I have one friend who advised me to be open to "messages" from Emma. He strongly believes in spirit life and thinks that our dog friends come back to visit us. I think he's right. I know when my Sami died I felt her presence for a long time and I think she still visits me in dreams. I still think I hear her bark sometimes, letting me know she's around and looking after me. I have another friend who lost her Afghan Hound. She loved that dog with her whole heart. After he died she swore that she would find the trash turned over, just the way he used to do it, and she thought that was his way of saying hello and letting her know he was still around.
There are some good resources online for people who have lost their pets — places where you can chat with other grieving pet owners, read poems for pets, and write things for your own pet. The Pet-Loss Support Page is a good site. They tell you that you are not crazy for feeling so deeply about your pet. It's normal and natural. Petloss.com is another good site. They have a candle ceremony for pets who have passed away and healing poems.
Your other pets may also experience grief over the loss of a pet in your household, even if they seemed to dislike each other. They can show many of the same signs that people exhibit. They can become restless, anxious, depressed. (In my house, some of my dogs have seemed to need extra comfort and affection since Emma died.) Your dogs may eat less. They can even search for the missing pet.
I know it can be hard to go through this with your other pets while you are grieving yourself, but try to maintain as much normalcy as possible, at least in their routine. If the dog who died was a "higher-up," then a new hierarchy may have to be established in the household, with another dog taking charge. It may take some time to sort things out. There may be some skirmishes. Use as much patience as possible at this time. It's stressful for everyone, including your dogs. Separate dogs during feeding times and avoid situations that could initiate fights, like tossing out a toy or giving everyone treats at the same time. You should wait a few months before bringing in a new puppy or dog to this changing situation.
If you have lost a pet recently my heart goes out to you. I know what it feels like. But dogs give us so much. Try to remember your friend during all of the happy days you spent together. There will be happy times again.
