Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
From the Barre Montpelier Times Argus, a paper which doesn’t seem to believe in paragraphing. The English teacher in me wants to take a pen to this and start editing, but this is the way it was printed.
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
By Mark Albury
December 31, 2007
Have you ever noticed how, at the grocery store, there are “impulse items” set out at the cash register hoping to take advantage of shoppers with very little will power? Like the sirens in Greek mythology crying out for the attention of hapless sailors, these products demand that we take notice and eventually throw them into our cart as a last-minute purchase. I am usually so very repulsed by this cheap marketing ploy that I make a concerted effort to put on blinders when checking out, ignoring the gum, candy, and magazines showing photos of celebrity cellulite. However, the other day while out buying a few necessities, my eyes fell upon a particular book for sale on a rack at the register. WHAT DO DOGS DREAM ABOUT? the title inquired. Who cares? I asked myself. What sort of idiot would shell out their hard earned cash for this type of book? And then a little voice in the back of my head answered: an idiot who needs a column idea. A few minutes later I left the store with a gallon of milk, a pound of ground beef, and a book I would like to share with you. WHAT DO DOGS DREAM ABOUT?, written by Tom Kuncl, bills itself as “a fascinating look into the mind of mankind’s best friend.” In this age of economic uncertainty, unrest in the Middle East, poverty, and world-wide famine, it is a breath of fresh air to have someone like Mr. Kuncl take the time to answer the types of questions that truly consume our thoughts throughout the day, such as, “Do dogs smile?” Dogs smile when they are happy, and frown when they are sad, explains the author, who, I suspect, was doing a great deal of smiling himself as he took the cash other suckers such as myself spent on his book and went to the bank. Mr. Kuncl suggests that dogs smile either because they are happy or because, through the domestication process, they are copying human behavior. I would like to think that if dogs have the ability to mimic their owners, we’d observe more obvious signs. For example, we might catch Fido occasionally declaring questionable tax deductions, or see him do the Sunday crossword in pen, or hear him repeat a particular phrase popular with his owner, such as, “What a chucklehead,” when he’s disgusted with certain people. Page 65 of the book offers us yet another earth-shattering observation. In response to the question, “Do dogs ever get embarrassed?” Kuncl, who considers himself one of the world’s foremost authorities on dog behavior, says absolutely. “I am convinced that my dog feels guilt when he wets the rug,” Kuncl states. “He behaves the same way I would if my mother caught me doing the same thing.” Whether or not you agree with the author’s conclusion, I would recommend that you keep your shoes on when walking on the carpets in the Kuncl household, and keep an eye on Mr. Kuncl if he visits you and, for some mysterious reason, decides to walk behind the sofa. All kidding aside, I believe that dogs do get embarrassed. Especially if they get a bad haircut, or strike out in a big game with other dogs in scoring position. In the hopes of getting to the bottom of what makes a dog tick, Mr. Kuncl, leaves no garbage can unturned. When responding to the title question Kuncl gives, in my opinion, a very lame answer. Dogs do dream he relates, and when they do they probably just review things that happened during the day, or relive some exciting experience. For the price of this book I was hoping Mr. Kuncl would contemplate some more specific things that might go through a dog’s mind during REM. For instance, I’ll bet that, while deep in slumber, our canine friends dream about such things as toilets without lids, cars without windshields, and refrigerators without doors. In addition, they probably fantasize about indoor compost piles, an All Lassie cable channel, and unlimited dead critters to roll on. I also believe that, ultimately, every dog dreams about ruling the world. As I neared the end of the book I found a question that really piqued my curiosity concerning whether dogs have a sense of humor. I decided to do a little investigative work on my own to determine if this was true. I got a copy of one of my past columns, sat my dog down in the living-room, and started reading the hilariously funny story. He looked very bored right from the beginning, and halfway through the reading actually got up to leave. As if this wasn’t bad enough, I swear, as he walked out of the room, I heard him mutter, “What a chucklehead!”
