From the Pioneer Local (Chicago).

Quod erat demonstrandum (dogs are worth it)
April 17, 2008
BY RICK MOSER Contributor

There’s a sign in my sister-in-law Julie’s house proclaiming, Dogs Are Worth It. I think this a premise worth examining, as the inherent defensiveness of the statement conjures the contrary view and anticipates the challenge.

I feel sufficiently qualified to conduct this exercise, as my own home revolves around two dogs: Nattie, a venerable golden retriever of almost 13 years, and Phoebe, a bichon frise of six human years who will forever be a spiritual puppy. (There is also said to be a cat in the house, but that’s the subject of another column if the rumor is ever confirmed).

Let us first consider the “it” of this proposition. What is the implied tradeoff that requires the assertion of worth?

Is “it” the financial burden of the dog life? Let me count the ways. The delicate noses of my housemates (the human female ones, anyway) require that the girls (I refer here to the canine ones, but the same applies to both species) be groomed frequently. Price: About $100 per month. Lisa assures me this is a bargain. One has one’s doubts.

We want them to eat healthy, of course (someone in the house should), so they go through about one big bag of the good stuff per month. Price: $45. Then there’s kenneling when we go on vacation (and I use the term loosely, as they’re not consigned to some grim, chain-link enclosure, but get what amounts, to them, a spa vacation, staying in their groomer’s home, where they can enjoy the lifestyle to which they’ve become accustomed). Price: About $500. Add in health care, accessories (collars, treats, the stuff they destroy), and this part of “it” is not inconsiderable.

Is “it” the hassle factor? The toll here is much greater than the dollars. There’s the trail by which we can track Nattie through the house after she’s gone mudding in the yard, or the melted pools after she’s enjoyed a cooling, polar-bear tumble in the snow. There’s the gale of barking that follows the detection of any other life form in the neighborhood — from real threats, like the traditional postman coming up the walk, to perceived ones, like the old couple strolling on the other side of the street, or the doorbell on TV. This drill inevitably begins with Phoebe’s piercing yip, and leads to poor old Nattie struggling to her feet to join her at the door, generally for nothing at all, except the declaration that they’re here.

There’s the hair everywhere (Nattie’s), the all-about-me demand for constant petting (Phoebe’s), the stalking of the dinner table (Nattie), the negative learning curve (Phoebe), and the dragging you out of bed at 5 a.m. to let them out. This is in addition to the destruction of spontaneity and the ability to just go out and do what you want all day because they need food, water and walking, to say nothing of the enslavement to their alimentary lives and the byproducts thereof.

So, the “it” side of the equation is pretty full. Let us turn now to the question of “worth”. These items are less easily categorized. It pretty much all falls under “intangible”.

There’s the fact that Nattie actually knows when you need comforting, and inevitably makes you feel better when she comes to your aid. In the presence of food — particularly pizza, a grand passion we share — she throws off the years that hobble her more all the time, and becomes a puppy again, frisking about with ears perked and tail wagging.

There’s the fact that Phoebe greets me at the door every day when I come home — like Lisa did when we were first married; like the kids did when they were little — running frantically between the front door, where she can see my approach, and the garage door where I’ll soon enter, daily inspiring a kind of happiness that would appear to have no complement in the human world. And, circus dog that she is — the American Kennel Club aptly describes bichons as “a merry breed” — she’s 100 percent guaranteed to make me laugh every day, not just on those special occasions when she treats us to the bichon tear and runs hell-bent-for-leather (what, exactly, does that phrase mean?) in circles, going nowhere for no purpose but with absolute urgency to get there.

In other words, they’re just like everyone else you love: Infuriating and delightful, frustrating and fulfilling, a pain in the neck and completely indispensable. I can’t help but notice how similar all these attributes (and the feelings they inspire) are to those of the other burdens we wouldn’t live without: Our children. Neither is really a very practical investment. But they’re the best ones we can make, those intangible returns being the ones that ultimately sustain us the most.

Our dogs absolutely do exact costs that sometime seem insupportable. They come with a price in dollars, in effort, in annoyance. We have to give them a lot; but the things they give in return — love, companionship, insight into life and what it’s about (if anything) — make us more human and, to complete the Mastercardism, that’s priceless. and, ultimately, Q.E.D., so very worth all of it.

Rick Moser lives, works and gripes in the northern ‘burbs. Reach him at thissuburbanlife@hotmail.com.

From astrology.com

Aries
If your owner is having health issues, then going slowly is one of your obligations. You do a good job, Aries, so give yourself a break once the leash if off. Doing figure eights is good for your own health.

Taurus
Be careful around a certain someone. Your human is sensitive about this relationship, so put your best paw forward. Go so far as to let your precious coat brushed.

Gemini
What you see is what you get, with you anyway. It’s hard for you to be calculating, but that’s just what you’ll have to do to protect yourself from another dog.

Cancer
How can you win an encounter with another dog? It’s fight or flight, and the standoff is key, Cancer. The moment you see indecision in your opponent, either pounce or flee.

Leo
Sure, you’re self-centered, but that doesn’t mean you have a big ego. You only operate on autopilot, and for you it’s a dog eat dog world. But self-confidence? Build some, Leo.

Virgo
Your owner wonders what motivates you, but the answer is obvious: your emotions. They’d be digging to China too if they were bored day after day. Make the solution obvious, Virgo.

Libra
When it comes to giving, you know how to dig deep. But it’s time to be selfish for a change: if you feel like barking, let loose, and of course, keep the best bone for yourself.

Scorpio
The reaction you have to strangers is intense. If you love them without knowing them for more than 30 seconds, then calm down. But if you hate them for no reason, stay on the leash.

Sagittarius
Is it really worth it? Your owner walks fast, you lag behind. You trot, the leash gets taught. Sometimes it’s more fun just to stay in the doghouse. It won’t take long to realign your temperaments.

Capricorn
If you can’t look at all the details, then don’t make a hasty decision. The last thing another dog deserves is a nasty pounce. If you stay detached, odds are good you’ll both just walk by.

Aquarius
You get a loud greeting every time you enter the dog park. That’s no small thing, Aquarius. Imagine going without it for a day or two. How socially useful would you feel?

Pisces
Some days the dog run is a love fest, and other days it’s a dip in shark-infested waters. It’s one of the later today, Pisces, so if you’re feeling more domesticated than wild, you may want to stay home.

From astrology.com

Aries
Ignore the subliminal, heavy business. For once you’re slow to react, no matter what your emotions are like. That’s not the most comfortable way to be, but it will certainly save you some fur.

Taurus
You’re passionate about the length of your walk today, and you have more control than you realize. If your owner thinks you’ll let them get away with a quickie, they’d better think again.

Gemini
Some feelings are not as pleasant as others, for you or your human. You’re feeling a bit willful today, and no amount of pushing or pulling can make you budge.

Cancer
Keep yourself on a tight leash. Don’t explode if someone you don’t know walks in the door. No one needs that kind of emotional upheaval, least of all you.

Leo
You’ll have to share the doghouse, and why resist? If your human is opening doors to old relatives, you’ll get plenty of affection. Just don’t count on any extra walks.

Virgo
Don’t delve too deep if your curiosity gets the best of you. You may not be a cat, but what you’re analyzing could get you in trouble just the same. Satisfy your intellect another way.

Libra
You’re nothing if not possessive when it comes to your material possessions but you can’t do much about it. That’s hard wired in you, Libra. The best you can do is give a warning growl.

Scorpio
It will take a lot of strength for your owner to keep you away from others, of the two-legged or four-legged variety. Pull as hard as you can, Scorpio, because affection from others is crucial.

Sagittarius
You’re not the only one who has bad dreams. They may not be about metal rabbits or short leashes, but your human’s dreams can leave him or her moody and slow, too.

Capricorn
You’ll get there one way or the other. You need to spend time with friends, and that is that. If the leash isn’t going their way, well, then something has to snap.

Aquarius
You want to get ahead, but to get anywhere you’ll have to impress other dogs. If you can’t perform in front on that kind of audience, then you’ll have to settle for your place on the totem pole.

Pisces
A promise is a promise, Pisces. If you commit to being a good dog, then that’s what you have to be. But don’t eat the biscuits beforehand, just in case you can’t follow through.

From astrology.com

Aries
You’re in this together. Your owner needs to lose weight, so the table scraps may be on the slim side. That’s okay, Aries. Be happy to be of service, even if it means less indulgent treats.

Taurus
Neighbors drive your human crazy, but it’s all a game to you. Didn’t the yelling and the cursing make your day more exciting? And that collection of shoes sure comes in handy. That’s looking at the bright side, Taurus.

Gemini
Walking, standing around, talking. Walking, standing around, talking. It’s too stop-and-go for your taste. Let your human know they can do the intellectualizing later, over the phone.

Cancer
You made it past one growling dog, but you’re not off the hook yet. Watch out for others, Cancer. The longer your walk, the more vigilant you’ll have to be.

Leo
Your relationship with your human has gone from authority to friendship to romance and back. Whatever form it takes is fine with you, as long as it involves plenty of walks and affection.

Virgo
Going nose to nose with another dog can reveal a wealth of information. It’s like having a heart to heart, Virgo. Don’t be shy, walk right up and learn something meaningful.

Libra
Bathing, brushing, grooming — why must you go through it again and again? Isn’t once enough? Apparently not. It’s enough to bring out the beauty in you, but not to keep it.

Scorpio
Don’t skip your nap. Your conscious and unconscious selves need some time to toss ideas back and forth, Scorpio. Think of it as psychic game of fetch.

Sagittarius
Preparation time? What preparation time? All you need is a collar and a leash to have a good walk. Your human needs things more planned than that, so you’ll have to endure.

Capricorn
You’re diligently following all the clues, but other dogs are nowhere to be found. That’s the best you can do today, Capricorn. It’s a day of missed connections and good intentions.

Aquarius
Maybe your nasty neighbor is not that bad. Maybe they have a soft spot, and it’s where your affectionate nature fits. Stranger things have happened, Aquarius, so don’t bark back.

Pisces
It’s finally your turn to pick the path. Will you choose the long one you’ve always dreamed of, or the short one that will get you home in time for chow? Find some balance, Pisces, for the perfect walk.

From astrology.com

Aries
It goes without saying that you’d love a long walk, but your human has some pressing deadlines. Keep their needs before yours today and you’ll be rewarded with plenty of exercise tomorrow.

Taurus
It’s a good day to spend on yourself, and there’s plenty to do. Another way to put it is, you have no choice, Taurus, so you might as well enjoy it.

Gemini
Stay focused on your human during your walk today, just like in the obedience classes. It will come in handy as a way to defuse a difficult situation with a less educated dog.

Cancer
Being a softy won’t help you today. It’s hard when another pet in the doghouse challenges you, but you’ll have to stand up for yourself. Once you do, domestic bliss will be restored.

Leo
Your human is wonderful, but you don’t have to look to your owner to meet all of your needs. You can have a lot of fun with other dogs, Leo, if you can figure out how to get to them.

Virgo
Check your impulses, Virgo. If you’re even slightly hesitant, stay home. Another dog’s wanderlust isn’t enough to put you on the road again, even if they’re your best bud.

Libra
You need to balance socializing with your packmates and getting attention from your human family. It’s a dilemma all domesticated dogs face, Libra, so set the scales fairly.

Scorpio
The elusive pat on the back is starting to nag. If your human is so introverted that they forget about you, it’s time to do some serious barking. Whatever is on their mind can be put aside at least for five minutes.

Sagittarius
The law of the jungle no longer applies. You have to accept the new rules, or face losing the trappings that go with them. Think about it, Sag: chow in a bowl, a clean basket, and a warm doghouse. They’re worth it.

Capricorn
You’ve been challenging your owner at every turn. Do you think it’s the right time to ask for a biscuit? Practicing goodwill will go a long way toward your getting a treat, so don’t ask now.

Aquarius
What do you do when you meet a new human? Cower or lick them to death? Try something in between the two, Aquarius. Your new approach will earn you praise.

Pisces
The old rules applied to your puppy days. Now that you’re all grown up, they need to be tossed out. If only your human agreed. Show them how adult you are, Pisces, to spend less time in the crate.